A Thankful Heart...A Few Days Late

• Spending time with my family never ever gets old. Yes, I know that I am nineteen years old and plenty of people might think it's a little silly to enjoy time with family as much as I do. I am so thankful that I am one of the people that realizes the importance of family. I see so many people rebelling against their family (and actually, my brother is a prime example of this...) and wanting to stray as far away from their families as possible. They don't realize the time that you get to spend with your family is precious. I am SO thankful for my amazing parents, grandparents, and siblings, as well as my extended church family.....Being home over Thanksgiving break affirmed this for me. I love going out to breakfast with my daddy, helping him cook unhealthy treats (much to my momma's chagrin), watching TV with him (not so much the football games), and just spending time with one person that can always make me feel better. Talking to my momma and just seeing her hardworking spirit is such an encouragement to me. And oh my dear, my little sister has got to be my favorite person ever! She's just sooo funny and I'm thankful for our close relationship. I can't leave my little brother out. I worry about him and his decisions constantly, but I really savor the moments when he wants has to participate in family events. I am SO thankful for supportive parents backing me up and pushing me forward every step of the way. My grandparents are also a huge blessing in my life, especially the love that they show for each other. I watch as my grandma has selflessly taken care of my poppa since he was diagnosed with cancer even though she is in her eighties herself.


• Ok, so beyond my immediate family is my church family. Zebulon Baptist Church is my favorite!!! I just can't really express that strongly enough. On Sunday, when an older man fainted in the service, doctors/nurses/people with life-saving training ran to his rescue within a matter of seconds. Each member of the church brings their own gifts and talents to encourage the betterment of the entire fellowship of believers. I am especially excited about the Advent season at ZBC...We have the most amazing services during this time!


• I am thankful for my relationship with the Lord and the fact that He loves me enough to give His son for me is so humbling and overwhelming.


• There are many many many more things I am thankful for but I am only going to mention two more. These two things are the two things that I grumble the most about. Education & Work. I am very thankful that my family makes it possible for me to attend college to receive a higher education. Even though I would rather be home or somewhere other than school most of the time, I do realize how important it is for me to continue my education. I am also thankful that I have a job in these uncertain times. Granted, I don't like working all the time on breaks and dealing with sick and angry, impatient people....but I really do learn things from my job and I'm thankful that I even have one.

Oh Joy!

Research Paper
Dr Peterman
....................

A

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

this makes my week....

actually it makes my semester.


Also, half the campus knows because I frantically squealed and jumped up and down when I saw this....right beside the main academic building. oh well, I don't even care!!

Holy moments

I am a firm believer in that Holy moments come during the most unexpected moments sometimes. Like today, for instance, when a man from the church was clearly moved by something that brought him to the front during the invitation hymn. It is so refreshing to see a man cry. That sounds somewhat bad, I know...like I gloat over someone crying, but that's not at all what I mean. Picture this.....a man (in contrast to today's norm, where men are "supposed" to be tough and emotionless beings) coming to the front with tears in his eyes and a heart ready to receive the prayers and encouragement of a pastor. To me, this is moving in itself to see someone humbled enough to come before a large body of people that he loves and that love him to be nurtured.....And you think that wasn't enough...I peer back a few rows and see his child looking at his daddy being hugged and prayed with by my pastor. THAT is the way to show your child the importance of a church family and a relationship with Christ. And that's why, the newest item on my "Qualities of a Husband" list includes this : A man who is not afraid to cry.

PS.....I think my dream job would be to be an advocate for church...how can anyone think its NOT important to your spiritual life?!?

An Ungrateful Heart

I am missing the past, wishing the present away, and dreading the future.

I am not being thankful for memories, thankful for my time now, or trusting the future to the One who holds it in His hand.

I do realize this. I also realize its not good.

It makes me upset.

Apparently not enough to do anything about it.

Sometimes I just wonder what in the world I am doing.

How have I ended up at this place in my journey?

Steady hands, just take the wheel......

Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child

Is this what I'm unwilling to do? Surrender my burdens to the only One that can help me handle?

All I know is that if I don't get out of this phase soon, I am really going to regret it later.

I'm Surrendering....(Or Trying To)

.....the immense desire that I want to be as perfect as possible in my daily life...schoolwork, work, etc. Deep down in my heart, I KNOW that I will NEVER get there.....in all actuality, I won't even come close. I just want to succeed at everything I do....And by succeed, I mean blow everyone else and my own expectations out of the water. I have been giving in to a huge desire of the flesh-competition where I want to do everything in my power to make perfect grades, excel and stand out at work, church....etc. It is really bringing me down in a lot of ways. I think its one thing to want to be more like Christ....but a whole different ballgame when you let yourself get worked up and let down over wanting to be perfect in the ways of the world. So as of tonight, I "vow" to make a huge effort to back down and just go with the flow...and maybe, just maybe, accept a B.....

There Are No Words.....

Memories....ahhh:D

Picture Post

Roomies:)

She gives me that look all the time.

Me and Whitney after dinner at Mi Casita
Run and Jump, Roomie!

Discovering True Self

Today has been a blah day for me. Rainy....class times three...Miss Perfect Wannabe making a 94 on a test....You get the picture...

But today, I have discovered something about myself. It's not a big deal, but it makes sense of a lot of things when I think about it. Maybe I had discovered it previously and am just admitting to myself that its true...but nevertheless...

I'm realizing this partly because of a book that I am reading that talks about how you cannot ultimately hide who you are from yourself....Anyway, on to the point....

I long for companionship. I have a true need deep within myself to have people to confide in that genuinely care about me and don't just half-heartedly listen when their minds are preoccupied with something else. I also, in turn, have a huge need to be there for other people. I've found that hearing other people's stories really helps me learn more about myself as well.

So, here's the AHA moment for me. This need that I have is why I am ultimately dissatisfied with the college experience so far. I am in no way fulfilling this need that is such a huge part of who I am, regardless of if I show it or not.

I don't branch out and make myself available enough to be there for people, and therefore never gain that trust that I need to build deep relationships.

Sometimes, I am too observant for my own good. Today I just realized that if I ever want to be happy and enjoy the college experience the way that I could be enjoying it, I need to quit living in the shadows and step up to the plate.

I know that this is only possible through prayer. God knows who I am and He is the only One who can ultimately understand me. Maybe if I can just learn to fall at his feet with EVERYTHING, I can be more successful at being true to myself.

Go See....

.....The Bucket List.....
It was Sooooo gooood!! Its probably one of my new faves.

Sometimes I love Blah Weather....especially on days like today when there is no class and I can curl up under a blanket and relax.

:)

Lord, Here Am I

I was reminded of something incredible this week.

God speaks to me.

Yes, He does. Even when I sometimes pray, "God, please reveal your plans for my life and my purpose and do it in a way where I am completely sure that it's You speaking to me...like now...," and I hear "nothing," it is so helpful and encouraging to realize that God is indeed speaking to me...by using certain experiences, people, and circumstances to give me a glimpse of His will for my life.

At church on Sunday, the sermon text was Exodus 3. We all know the story of Moses and the burning bush. Moses is off shepherding the flock, and the Lord appears to him in the form of a burning bush. The image of this bush is certainly a reminder of the Mighty Hand of God, but it often replaces the more important underlying message.

God calls to Moses and he replies, "Here I am." How often do I hear God speaking to me and run from what He might want to tell me? Or how often do I get discouraged because I'm not having something HUGE revealed to me when I want it? So often I become hopeless when it's simply because I am ignoring the call from God about His plan for me.

I believe God speaks to me when I am in His house more than ever. It's something about being surrounded by my faith family - people who have loved and nurtured me, ever since I was a little girl - that just makes me feel glorious. Singing in the choir this past summer was an amazing experience. Just sitting out in the congregation listening to wonderful sermons that speak right to my heart is a wonderful way that God speaks to me.

Obviously I am passionate about my faith and my church, so WHY am I not more involved in Campus Ministries at Campbell? Why am I not out there telling my story of how God's amazing grace and mercy has been present in my life? Even though I'm not sure exactly what God will use me for in the future, why do I waste the time I have now when I could be participating in things that will draw me closer to Christ?

In the invitation on Sunday, Terry Michael said, "For those of you out there who might be struggling with a call to vocation, God is speaking to you." I knew that. For some reason though, it really moved me. I need to be still and listen for the ways that God speaks to me daily. I need to stop being caught up in whatever fear is holding me back from listening to what He has in store for me. I need to be confident that His plan is perfect, and He knows what it is. One of my favorite passages is Psalm 139, and its words bring so much peace to my inquisitive spirit.

You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Psalm 139:5

Our last hymn on Sunday was Lord, Here Am I. As I stood there and held my hymnal, I let the tears well up in my eyes as I let the words voice my prayer for that morning and always. May God grant me the courage and the confidence to put my anxiety about the future in Him and to be ready and willing for whatever He calls me to, not just as a vocation, but now as well.

Master, Thou callest, I gladly obey.
Only direct me, and I'll find Thy way.
Teach me the mission appointed for me.
What is my labor, and where it shall be.
Master, Thou callest, And this I reply,
Ready and willing, Lord, here am I.

Willing, my Savior, to take up the cross.
Willing to suffer reproaches and loss.
Willing to follow if Thou will but lead.
Only support me With grace in my need.
Master, Thou callest, And this I reply,
Ready and willing, Lord here am I.

Living or dying, I still would be Thine,
Yet I am mortal While thou art divine.
Pardon, whenever I turn from the right,
Pity, and bring me again to the light.
Master Thou callest, And this I reply,
Ready and willing, Lord, here am I.

You Carry Me....

Last week, I began my second year of college. Exciting, right? Wellllll, not for me. Unlike the other 98% of college students out there, I'm not exactly a fan of being here. Last week was incredibly bad....I seriously had to fight the urge more than a couple of times to pack up and go back home to the people that I love, the town I love, my church, the familiar faces, my BED, my house, etc... I also had to fight the urge to curl up in a ball and cry all day. I chided myself for being such a homebody, so unwilling to force myself to like college. When I went home last weekend and got to church on Sunday and put my choir robe on, I literally had to fight the tears...Lord, WHY can't I just QUIT school and come back to what I LOVE?!?!

Fortunately though, after much prayer and worry and thought, this week is better. I don't think I will ever love love college...but hopefully I can at least live with it and have many positive experiences.....


These lyrics definitely sum up why I came back this week:) :
I’ve heard Your voice and I’ve felt the calm
I stand only because You’ve given me faith to walk

Kinda short post for now...when I have more time, I want to write a post about my Bible study experience over the summer - amazing. For now though, I better go do some reading about the United States government...Fun stuff.

I Will Carry you, My child

Those words that Amy Grant sings seem especially relevant to my mood tonight....

I read a blog tonight entitled "Ten Years Ago" where a 28 year old woman shares that she has grown so much in the past ten years since she was 18..physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc...I needed this hope - the reassurance....what have you...I really needed to read that tonight. She talks about the mistakes that she made in the past and says that looking back she wouldn't want to change them because through her mistakes she learned and grew closer to Christ in the process.

Realizing that I am at the end of a road that once provided me with so much security and comfort and knowing that I have to move forward without having that crutch to fall back on anymore is causing me some heartache. I never thought that I would be so upset when this day finally came. The end of a relationship that has been so broken, so screwed up in so many ways is here. Tonight, I feel weak and vulnerable. I could possibly crawl under my blanket right now and cry my eyes out. I would probably feel better to let my emotions out. This is my fault, anyway. I definitely asked for it....but this time being remorseful isn't enough. But, I hear the lyrics of my favorite song at the moment and I believe with all of my heart that God is with me.


Cuz everything is a lesser thing compared to You
so I surrender all

Last night and last week and every Sunday when I am at church surrounded by people that nurture my spiritual life, I feel the presence of Christ in such a mighty and amazing way. I am so thankful that most nights I am able to be joyful and even when I'm not...I know that the Lord is with me.

A Thankful Heart

Tonight, my heart overflows with joy. I am thankful. I am caught in the glimpse of God's glory that has been revealed to me tonight with small, often occurring moments in my life. As I sit in my room, listening to the Newsboys on His radio (which I love for its music) I am overwhelmed by the spirit.

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again
Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true
It’s my joy to honor You
In all I do, to honor You
You are my King

Today started out normally....Sundays are my favorite.... my mom makes some AMAZING homemade pancakes....I love going to church - I look forward to it all week. Just being around Christian people that love me and whom I love is just amazing. Singing in the choir is always great and this Sunday I had the opportunity to sing with some friends just like old times. Tonight, my daddy and I went to Target...it definitely didn't hurt that my addiction-Starbucks- was open...Anyway, I digress...But my daddy is hands down my favorite person ever....Just spending time with him is a huge blessing. It's storming outside. Storms are amazing to me.

I love it when I have the mindset like I do tonight...it's so glorious to be thankful instead of having a negative spirit.

Sometimes, I have days where I wonder what in the world my purpose is. I feel like I'm not understood by others....I really don't even understand myself. It's good that I am reassured tonight that I can bring all my uncertainty and doubt to Him...He understands me....all the time, even when I don't understand myself.

A few weeks ago, I was at the beach with my family. I went on the balcony of the condo we were staying in and took my Bible. I decided to read a water story since I was gazing at the water. I picked the story of Jesus calming the storm. I tried to imagine what it was like for the disciples to trust the Lord as they wondered, "who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?" I can only imagine their concern and amazement. I get that feeling when I'm at the beach too. Who in this world can look at the vast ocean and not believe? That's something that I don't understand.

I'm thankful that I feel the presence of the Almighty at ordinary times....and I pray for those who don't to get just a glimpse of how amazing it is. Nothing breaks my heart more than when people don't want a relationship with God. I know it's easy in today's world to believe that you don't "need" God when materialistic views consume our thoughts....but money doesn't buy the indescribable way that passionately loving the Savior does. A really good friend of mine says that he doesn't "need to lick God's ass to get into heaven." Oh how I pray for the Lord to speak to him and move him. I'm not one to condemn him for this statement, but I know he has times in his life where he feels lonely and empty. Getting into heaven isn't the reason to be a part of a body of believers. God's grace is amazing and He forgives our sinning ways.

I really need to stop - I could type all night. Hopefully I'll finish this later. I'll close with some powerful lyrics I heard the other day.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

I hate research papers

words cannot express how much :(

The Irony..

So I just went back to last two posts and realized that I used the same song on them....how strange that that song expressed my heart almost a month later!

Be still and know that I am God....

......is something that we often neglect doing. In the fast paced world in which we live, we often forget to take a few moments out of our day to savor the authentic blessings that God pours out on us daily. Whether it is quiet meditation, reflection, or prayer, we need to set aside time to be still and recognize the almighty power of our Lord. I was reminded of this as I sat in church last Sunday. As always, I felt like I was on top of a mountain as I sat in my pew and experienced worship with my church family. Last Sunday though, during the offertory, I was compelled to just close my eyes and reflect upon the message that TM had preached and to just reflect and be thankful for everything that the Lord was doing in my life to richly bless me. During those 3-4 minutes, I felt a peace that I rarely feel. Among the papers, tests, quizzes, and presentations that college often presents me with, I also usually feel stressed or uneasy almost all the time during the week. Sitting in the pew, my eyes filled up with tears as I realized the many blessings that God has bestowed on me and how seldom it is that I give Him the glory for them. The Lord revealed Himself to me in a mighty way that day....it was as if the other 350 people in the room disappeared and I was just there experiencing the presence of the Lord.

I meant to post this last week, but I just never found the time to sit down and type it. I like the way my bible puts it : Cease striving and know that I am God. That's exactly what I need to do sometimes. We need to quit fighting the urge to help ourselves and we need to fall helplessly into the arms of our Jesus who brings the only sense of ultimate peace.

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forevermore

What the Cross of Christ Means to Me...

So, this Lenten season at church we are having a person a week give a little testimony about what the cross means to him/her.....This past Sunday as I was listening to a rather verbose woman speak I began to ponder what the cross meant to me.

The cross of Christ is the epitome of suffering. A man that was perfect and blameless was nailed to a cross and was mocked, scorned, and ridiculed. Just for me and you.

So, to me the cross is a symbol of hope above all else. Sure we think of all the suffering and agony that our perfect Savior went through.....but think of the hope that we have in him!!

This was evident to me firsthand a couple of weekends ago when I went to visit my poppa in the hospital. He has cancer and the tumor that he has causes him terrible pain. It breaks my heart to see him in agony and screaming with pain...but when an old and hurting man pauses from his screaming and is quiet for a few seconds before softly singing that familiar hymn "Oh how I love Jesus, Oh how I love Jesus, Oh how I love Jesus, Because he first loved me..." it is a powerful testament of faith.

I honestly believe that my poppa knows and is humbled by the fact that Jesus understands his pain more than any of us on earth can at all. In that moment the Lord spoke to him and made him at peace during his suffering. What a simply beautiful moment to remember and be thankful that the Almighty God watches over us and protects us. Although we do suffer and life is hard, the cross of Christ is a reminder that Christ suffered to save us from our sins and truly understands our pains and burdens and just asks that we lay everything at his feet. Our decisions, our struggles, our sins, our joys......

Sometimes it is hard for me to give my problems to the Lord, so the cross is a constant reminder of the desire that my sovereign God has for me to hand it all to Him!

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos in confusion
I know You're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won't delay
This my song through all my days
All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
Forever more

Sidenote: This probably is a bunch of rambling but I have a million thoughts going through my head!

Smile.

I just had a small epiphany. Okay, maybe I am being dramatic. Its a pretty important realization to me though. Ok, so I didn't have the best day today...it wasnt terrible but it was just kinda gloomy outside and rainy (I am thankful for the rain though!). I got stuck in a torrential downpour on my way back from class with NO umbrella, got soaked, didn't feel well, the list goes on.....and my day wasn't that great. Tonight, I still don't feel well and I have a mound of work to do. But I was just looking through my myspace pictures and realized how important a smile is. God has blessed me. I can smile, with an expression of insurrmountable joy on my face. There are so many people in this world that are torn and brought down by so many things--cheating, rape, depression, death....Sometimes I feel so helpless...like I cant do anything to help these people that are hurting. I have my smile though. On days when I don't feel like smiling, I could smile at someone and make them realize that someone cares. I am just so thankful that I can smile and I have reasons to smile (a Sovereign God that loves me more than I can even begin to imagine, Jesus who died for me, a fabulous church that I LOVE attending every week, my amazing family that I absolutely love more than anything in this world, wonderful friends that make my heart smile, getting an education, etc). Looking at those pictures just renewed my positiveness...def needed that! I need to be more thankful for my many reasons to smile and put forth an effort to share it with others more :)

roommate for sale:

NOTE: mean as a snake and might make you cry but someone with thicker skin than I can handle it.



Yep, that's what my lovely roomie thinks of me.

:)

Through the Ups and Downs of Life...

I haven't blogged in so long...I kinda regret it, but whatever. Let's see.....
-Blake and I broke up in October. Since then, we have had an on-again/off-again type relationship which has been super stressful...Right now we are doing good--trying to communicate more and all that fun stuff.
-When I went to SC for Thanksgiving, I noticed that my poppa wasn't doing great...when we went back for Christmas, it was even more obvious. It broke my heart so much that I cried almost all the way home (which is a three hour trip roughly)...Soon after that, we found out that he has cancer...a tumor in his spine that won't react to chemo or surgery since its against the bone. When we went to see them last weekend, he seemed depressed. He didn't really perk up when he saw us which was highly unusual. I have just tried to put everything in God's hands...praying that he doesn't suffer and that he will find his strength through the power of God's word and prayers and Christian fellowship. He is going to give radiation a try, which has a good chance of shrinking the tumor but not completely. This also has a chance of harming other organs in his body but the doctor was optimistic about the potential of radiation. I'm also worried about my grandma who is having to care for him around the clock. Anyway, I just pray that God's will is done....I am doing much better about this news than I was at first. It didn't help that I was away from home at school when I just wanted to be there with my family.
-Christmas/Advent at ZBC was amazing as always and uplifting as well. I worked full-time hours throughout Christmas break which was somewhat aggravating but I did it and tried to remain positive.
-This new semester is harder than last and I'm just trying to make it through and pass everything. I am experiencing my least favorite prof ever this semester and its a struggle just making it through 50 minutes three times a week.
-I'm making more friends this semester.
-I fall more in love with Jesus everyday and I am still amazed by his grace...and I AM GOING to do better about this blogging thing :)